No sex, no drugs, no wine, no women
No fun, no sin, no you, no wonder it's dark
Everyone around me is a total stranger
Everyone avoids me like a cyclone ranger
That's why I'm turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so
Turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so
The Vapors, Turning Japanese
DATELINE: March 16, 2009, Chicago
Well Senator Charles Grassley is upset about the bonuses to AIG executives, as are many other people. Senator Grassley, however, has recommended an extreme sanction, telling a radio station in Cedar Rapids, Iowa:
But I would suggest the first thing that would make me feel a little bit better toward them if they'd follow the Japanese example and come before the American people and take that deep bow and say, I'm sorry, and then either do one of two things: resign or go commit suicide.
And in the case of the Japanese, they usually commit suicide before they make any apology.
There is one kink in Senator Grassley’s proposal: It’s hard to apology after you're dead.
We are wondering whether Senator Grassley, the charity watchdog who is always holding hearings and conducting investigations, might require the executives and directors of charities under his investigation to submit to the same sanction. With the subpoena comes a complimentary tanto, the knife used by the Japanese samurai warriors to disembowel themselves. But the Seppuku ritual(in America, Hara-kiri) requires more. After the charity executive or board member cuts his abdomen, a kaishaku must finish the ritual by nearly decapitating the executive or director. It is important to leave a small thin piece of skin in place so the head is still attached to the body. In most cases, a Grassley staffer could serve as the kaishaku, but for particularly egregious behavior, Senator Grassley could don the ritual attire and perform the partial decapitation.
The question: Where should the ceremony be performed? The Senate Finance Committee’s hearing room might be nice, but our preference would be for the new Capitol Visitor Center.
Senator Grassley should introduce legislation replacing the intermediate sanctions with a mandate for Seppuku. The sanction should be named the Ultimate Sanction. The IRS could send the deficiency notice out in a black envelope. Think of the dollar savings. No expensive compensation studies. No expert witnesses. No lawyers. No need to bother the courts. All that would be needed is a couple of janitors and a bucket of bleach.
We should note that a staffer subsequently told the Washington Post that Senator Grassley really didn't mean that the AIG executives should kill themselves. Populism run amok.